Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Taking Pride

Thanksgiving is a time of gathering with your friends, family, and other random loved ones in aid of giving thanks for abundance and the health of those around you whom you love.

I always spent Thanksgiving with Granny. Or Boyband and the Family of babies and friends we made together.

And so this year, just like last but for very different painful reasons, I will abstain.

This year giving anything more than what has already been taken from me doesn't sound all that celebratory.

Please hold. My phone ringeth (it actually barketh, which makes me laugh ever time). /whispers with hand over receiver/ It's my boss/mentor/maybe business partner. Just a sec." /holds up index finger and mouths sorry/

"Hey, I just wanted to tell you thanks again for keeping an eye on the restaurant for me while I'm on the East Coast visiting my grandmother for Thanksgiving. It's been an amazing trip and I never would have been able to relax if you weren't there keeping the Cajun taco afloat."

"No sweat, yo. Foo and Bub want jobs, though. I told them to drop their resumes with the manager on duty."

"I'm serious. The staff respect you. Your suggestions are amazing. You've already done so much. We love you. Thank you."

"Giving me something to be proud of myself about for a change is thanks enough."

"You're nuts. But I am really glad you're there. I miss you."

"Gross. I miss you, too."
After I hung up, I thought about the contents of my restaurant emergency pack: the keys to the joint, the company debit card, $900 in back up cash for the till and a list of tasks and responsibilities that I have almost entirely met, save for the salty bourbon pecan pie I need to make for a guest's Thanksgiving feast after I hang up on you jokers. Her job. I am doing her job; owning a restaurant.

I've been working on an epic post that's taken me three days to write. It never takes me more than an hour on the long end to drool any of this drivel, but I have had to stop for hours at a time to simply compose myself, rehydrate, and clear my mind of the mist. It's deep, it's intense, it's everywhere, it's heartbreaking, and it's the truth all at once. It is the sum of all my parts, past and present, but most of all future. I will post it end of Thanksgivingish tomorrow. I don't know where or what doing I will spend the day tomorrow, but I know it will be spent with someone I can be proud of. Besides my children, that is. They will be with The Manny and a former fan of the Bite My Cookie era. Yep, he's spending TG with a blog reader (along with her husband and kids -- all of whom were unbeknownst to either of us prior to BMC) of mine when mine was still ours. Raise your glass of lemonade and say it with me: "To irony!"

In the meantime, while you are bouncing in between potato peeling and turkey brining, please share your thanksgiving with me. But let's do it my way. Tell me, my babies:

What makes you most proud of yourself right now?
Give thanks to you.
I do.

I'll go first:
I am proud that I am still standing here. I am proud of my children who love me and I them in a way that I am sure Granny and I and you only know. I am proud that I have not cried more than a thousand times over the death of Boyband. I am proud that I have carved out a little bitty home for my redacted family
and that we are happy together. I am proud that I have been able to remember myself when my heart is brokenest. I am proud that I have something exciting in my life to look forward to that looks and smells and tastes just like a real-live restaurant. I am proud that somebody I admire and respect wants me to work with her and trusts me even when I don't trust myself. I am proud that Granny would be proud of me. I am proud of my burgeoning new life. I am proud of not fearing change, as much as it may hurt to face in the face. I am proud to learn that I truly am a wonderful mother, I gave my marriage everything I had even though it wasn't enough, and that no matter what happens to me for better or for worse, I am strong enough to withstand it. And I am extremely proud that no matter how many of you are still here hanging on (one of the primary tenets of Keep(ing) it Comical is to say fuck stats and reader tracking), you're here. I'm not alone. And neither are you. And for whatever that's worth, I'm proud of it.

Your turns.

Gobble, gobble.
xodana

10 comments:

Claire said...

thanks be to granny.
london love, xx

Tammy said...

I'm so proud of the amazing little family I've been able to create. I'm proud of myself for keeping my diabetes in control and myself healthy for said family(even though I always thought I'd die young and never get toy have a family). I'm proud of the awesome teacher I am and the fact that I've had 10 students return this week to thank me for making high school so easy for them.

And so darn proud of you for keepin on. I can't believe the pounds of freakin' lemons you've been dealing with. A reader and the Manny? WTF???????? SO RIDICULOUS!

Happy Thanksgiving, D. You're loved and people hope that good things happen for you.

bbh said...

what makes me the most proud is the blossoming fierce personalities my two daughters are developing. i am proud of showing them marriage and relationships with friends and family isn't always perfect. i'm proud that they know happiness takes effort, kindness, compassion and integrity. i'm proud of being the kind of parent who isn't afraid to let her children fail. and am proud to be doing this with a partner i sometimes hate but mostly love. i'm proud of being able to work full time and keep a rockin family going, despite the lack of 'me' time i crave.

thank you d, for sharing so much of yourself.

xo
a.

Patricia in TO said...

I am proud of being my son's mom - my favourite of all of my names is "Douby's mom"... I am proud that I am able to raise him my way with humour and joy (much much joy).

I don't have a Boyband/Manny or any man in my life at the moment and adopted my son by myself and am proud of myself for being so brave/selfish and doing it all so well on my own!
I am also very proud of my family, unusual folks all but totally functional instead of dysfunctional!! They are my rock.

And finally, I am proud to have found some very interesting folks such as yourself to interact with via blogs - not fully friends yet but fellow travelers on this adventure of life.
And since we Canadians did our thanksgiving last month already, I am thankful I do not have to eat another turkey dinner till Christmas!!

Cati said...

Wow, what a touching post. My turn I guess.

I'm proud of being finally being myself most of the time. I'm proud of being able to live by my standards. I'm proud because as of lately I'm approaching everything I do with a high sensibility and I don't care what anyone thinks about it. I'm super proud that I gave an old man all my cash today because I felt his mere presence touched my soul in a very deep way. I'm proud that I love fiercely. But, most of all, I'm proud of the way I've learned with my experiences and how I feel myself growing, blossoming.

And now you can shoot me for my cheesyness :D

S said...

Feeling a little low on proud at the moment, not for any particular reason, and despite a huge professional accomplishment. I am just my own worst critic.
May I be thankful for you for a moment? Your blog(s) have inspired me in so many ways over the years - to live my life out loud, to venture outside of my comfort zone, and to relish every second of being a mom to my own littles. Thank you for allowing me along on this journey. Thanks for being who you are.
~S

Steph said...

Us Aussies don't celebrate Thanksgiving. But we can be thankful nonetheless.

I'm proud of how my husband and I are raising our baby far far far away from home and family and old friends. I'm hoping for some homecoming plans in the next couple of years and I'm hoping for another baby, but for now I am thankful for our amazing family, size of three.

I am also very proud of you, Dana. I don't know you (obviously) but your strength and your story are an inspiration. Your unending and dogged desire to tell the truth is amazing and something I am trying to learn from.

Steph

Anonymous said...

I am proud that you were one of the first people I knew, cared for and loved. And no matter what you do, I will always be proud to know you, love you, and consider you part of my life. I am so proud of how you take each punch and push it back to keep moving on, for yourself and your kids. I love you dmd.

Anonymous said...

I'm proud of the ferocity that lives inside me when it comes to my daughter. The ferocity that stands up against her eating disorder and is working to throw that MF'er to the GROUND, and support her and help her to become strong again, to believe in herself again, to recover fully and well. I'm proud that I am strong enough to sit her down and get her to eat in the full face of the EDs fury. It's making my day to day extremely rough, and the minute to minute worse still. But I shall not give up. I'm proud of that.

You know me, but this disorder is my daughter's business, not the internets, so I'm commenting anonymously. This is J in W.C., Calif, and you once sent me amazing cracks, just before the shit hit the fan in your life.

Chag said...

Hope you guys had a great Thanksgiving!