i found out today that the custody evaluator thinks i'm an unfit inept moron. i'd go so far as to say he thinks i'm borderline retarded, but i haven't actually read the report. i threatened the hook with things that crazy ladies would say if she sent it to me.
the question you should be asking yourself is this: who's the manny now?
uh, it's mommy.
according to the evaluator, i am not fit to have any legal say in my children's education, medical decisions or religious indoctrinations. my thoughts, ideas and opinions on these important matters have no value and britton gets to call all the shots. i have no value except before and after school. breakfast, dinner, bath, books, bed and any other time i'm called upon to babysit. except he never calls. he pays other people or calls my sister.
i thought my life ended when i was told my cafe had no value. then i thought my life ended when the only person who thought i had value died with dignity. then i thought my life ended when i realized the love of my life had a life of his own and no love for me. then i thought my life ended when i lost the skids for far too long this summer.
then i did everything i was supposed to do. i stayed strong. i followed the rules. i jumped through his hoops. but i also decided to fight for my decisions, and my choices, and my methodologies.
and then i realized your life hasn't really ended until you're told everything you think and do and feel makes you unfit to raise your own children in your own way. i found their amazing schools, but i'll never have that power again. i chose their physician who's on the top doctors whatever list in the portland monthly this month. britton couldn't even tell you her name. i'll never get to pick a doc for them again. religion? he's got their heads filled with santa claus. they're christians now.
i know there is more to parenting than breakfast, dinner, bath, books, and bed. but the crux of parenting is everything you think and do and believe and feel and hope for the future; and it's your obligation to share those things with your children as you guide them though this earth. i have extreme and extensive thoughts and feelings about their education, medical well-being, and
religious exposure: the the holy trinity upon whose bench i am disallowed to sit. that's called legal custody. the evaluator recommended 50% physical custody, but that the legal trinity choices go to britton.
i was just told by the grand decider that everything i think and do and believe and feel and hope for the future -- everything i am -- is shit and therefore should not be passed along to my children.
luckily for all of us, i am no virgin to that rough fuck. but sit for a moment. spark a doob in my honor, and put yourself in my socks (i don't think they allow crazy people to wear shoes) and think about how that would do you. the loss of all your influence on the people you made out of love.
and then know that i am ok. at least i can finally make some decisions, which is kind of ironic. the only decision i have to make now is what to do with myself. nobody cares what i think about the kids as long as i'm available to babysit before and after school.
i am, for some reason, magically fine. knowing for sure that nobody believes in me at all is more of a relief than simply wondering. i don't know what i'll do with myself now, but no decisions need to be made right this second. so i'll just wait for my next babysitting shift to end before i am going to figure out how to start over. again.
i guess you can't buy back your value when you've got no money and no collateral. and no value.
i have a large supper of crow to prepare before i teach my grow class tonight. i'm kind of stunned and numb so i hope my autopilot has a chance to warm up before the first student arrives.
if i had a heart left to break, i'd probably be bawling. if i were crazy, i'd go burn down the house. if i were really serious, i'd find a guy with some contacts. but since i'm just me, i'll take my lumps, turn tail, and play possum and share my opinions with myself.
i doubt i'll make a comeback to the interwebs after today. retiring all of my public opinions in perpetuity is probably wise. ironically, i published one copy each of all six books i wrote over the past 9 months. books that will never see the light of day. books that i'm proud of, but books about a life that's lost. nonfictional novels.
i'll leave comments open, reserving the right to publish all or none. i don't really need words of encouragement, sympathy, support, or guidance. i don't really need to be validated for how and who i am; i just am, so it is what it is. i don't really think i need anything. it's hard to know what you need when you're told you're not needed, ya know? it's like watching your own funeral and nobody shows up. kinda like my 30th birthday party.
i really thought i didn't suck that bad.
thanks for hanging on til now. this wasn't the happy ending i had overpromised, but you're probably used to that from me by now -- and luckily you get to hear about it and i get to live it with it. i've been told by a trusted source that i blow everything up all by myself. appears 'tis so.
a trial is pretty moot. the custody evaluator's report has the most influence on the court. and i will never get over it, but i will get around it because that's what granny always told me to do. i'm always fine, even when i'm not.
off in search of ex malo bonum,
-i'm changing my name tomorrow so it doesn't even matter
- i really am fine. really. swear. i'm good at failing : )