Thursday, April 8, 2010

intermish: psych ward release party

This entry was penned last week, April 6. I've been so busy living, literally, I have not had time to lay an egg in the roost. My wings are tired, but I'm back. Just like the Foo Fighters said (and I predicted last year):

Into the night we shine
Lighting the way we glide by
Catch me if I get too high
If I come down
I'll be coming home next year

I am home. I mistakenly thought home was where the marriage is. Turns out, home is wherever I am, and no place else.

without further ado:

woo fucking wee. i thought running a cafe into the ground for a year was hard work. not so much compared to the last year i've spent. i'm 365 (+ 1) days free of who i never meant to be. tonight, one year ago, i was cracked out in a pharmaceutical anti-pscychotic coma to counterbalttle the existential coma from which i was trying to wake. the only explanation i can offer you to decipher that statement is: you have to spend 72 hours in the custody of social services' most mediocre, surrounded by some of your local society's most psychologically and socially unfit (not to be confused with social services' most mediocre) to comprehend the the soundness of your own sanity. i remember it as if it were last week.

speaking of which.

last week i wondered how i could possibly celebrate such a momentous anniversary. one of the recurring themes in my police report, psych ward records, and supposedly hypomanic rants was the unibomber and kurt cobain. i may or may not have mentioned those two infamous side shows in the context of "dying or getting reborn." the point lost on all 911-callers in question is that for a person who finds sleep to be a necessary nuisance/abysmal waste of precious time, an eternal dirt nap is not really a first-tier option. rebirth however, and not in an evangelical kind of way, was what i was after and what i have ultimately achieved -- in 364 days or less.

the biggest lie i've ever told to my mind, my life, and my single-sided history is that it matters what other people think of me. as soon as i let that negative perception, exaggerated and exascerbated by my losses and failures, wheedle its way into my grandiose and everything-is-possible soundtrack, i imploded. easy as that. i realize now that i can't blame any of this on anybody but me. the me who didn't want to walk out the door, but apparently needed to.

remember when i was foo fighting my way to acceptance:

You know in all of the times that we've shared
I've never been so scared
Doll me up in my bad luck
I'll meet you there

I wish i never had taken this dare
I wasn't quite prepared
Doll me up in my bad luck
I'll meet you there

Monkey Wrench (hi, chag ; )
One last thing before I quit
I never wanted any more than I could fit
Into my head I still remember every single word
You said and all the shit that somehow came along with it
Still there's one thing that comforts me since I was
Always caged and now I'm free

Don't want to be your monkey wrench
One more indecent accident
I'd rather leave than suffer this
I'll never be your monkey wrench

Hey, Johnny Park

Come and I'll take you under,
This beautiful bruises colours,
Everything fades in time it's true.

Wish that I had another,
Stab at the under cover,
Was it a change in mind for you?

It's impossible,
I can't let it out,
You'll never know,
Am I selling you out?
Sit and watch,
Your every mood.

My Poor Brain
This is a black out
Don't let it go to waste
This is a black out
I want to detonate

Sometimes I wish that I could change
I can't save you from my poor brain

Wind Up
I have a choice between the bat or the belt
Each time I hear about the hand you've been dealt
Spare me confession it's confession you sell
Maybe I'll fall behind but I don't mind because I'll catch up

Will I be happy on the back of the shelf
Will you be happy when we're sharing a cell
Spare me your questions since you know me so well
Someday you'll realize that I get shy and I choke up

I want a song that's indelible
Like manimal
I hope you never see me wind up
What is wrong with this animal
I'm terrible
I hope you never see me wind up

Farewell my sweet paramania

Up In Arms
I was the one who left you
Always coming back I cannot forget you girl
Now I am up in arms again

My Hero
Too alarming now to talk about
Take your pictures down and shake it out
Truth or consequence, say it aloud
Use that evidence, race it around

There goes my hero
Watch him as he goes
There goes my hero
He’s ordinary

See You
I'm done resenting you,
You represented me so well.
And this I promise you,
How could I end up in the hands of someone else?

These notes are marked return to sender
I'll save this letter for myself

February Stars
Even though
I watched you come and go
How was I to know
You'd steal the show

One day I'll have enough to gamble
Ill wait to hear your final call
And bet it all

February stars
Floating in the Dark
Temporary scars
February stars

And I wonder
When I sing along with you
If everything could ever feel this real forever
If anything could ever be this good again

The only thing I'll ever ask of you
You've got to promise not to stop when I say when

Walking After You
If you'd accept surrender, I'll give up some more
Weren't you adored?

I cannot be without you, matter of fact
I'm on your back

Big Me
Big me to talk about it
I could stand to prove
if we can get around it
I know that it's true

Stacked Actors

God bless, what a sensitive mess,
Yeah, but things aren't always what they seem.
Your teary eyes, your famous disguise,
Never knowing who to believe.
See through, yeah but what do you do,
When you're just another aging drag queen.

Stack dead actors, stacked to the rafters,
Line up the bastards all I want is the truth.


You make me dizzy running circles in my head
One of these days I'll chase you down
Well look who's going crazy now
We're face to face my friend
Better get out
Better get out
You know you make me break out
Make me break out
I don't want to look like that

Learn to Fly
Run and tell all of the angels
This could take all night
Think I need a devil to help me get things right
Hook me up a new revolution
Cause this one is a lie
We sat around laughing and watched the last one die

And I'm looking to the sky to save me
Looking for a sign of life
Looking for something to help me burn out bright

I'm looking for a complication
Looking cause I'm tired of lying
Make my way back home when I learn to fly

Gimme Stitches
I'll always be the one who runs from everyone
Cause everyone's just too weird
Sink with someone tied to me
I'm making you volunteer
Another one has come and gone
They crawl along, make them disappear
Dress me up in stitches it's now or never
Tired of wearing black and blue
Dress me up in stitches it's now or never
Dying to get my blood on you

Lately I'm getting better
Wish I could stay sick with you
But there's too many egos left to bruise
Call it sin, you can call it whatever
Eating deep inside of you
Well if it were me, it's all I'd ever do
Steal me now and forever
I'll steal something good for you
The criminal in me is no one new
Till you find something better
When there's nothing left to use
And everything starts going down on you

I'm the Generator, firing whenever you quit
Yeah whatever it is, you go out and it's on

Time Like These
I am a new day rising
I'm a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It's times like these you learn to live again

And finally,

Over And Out
Restless little one
Comfortable and warm
Let me fall apart
Crippled in your arms

Chase me through the dark
Ready on your mark
First to reach the stars
Wins a broken heart
One that broke apart
Shattered from the start

Are you there?
Do you read me?
Are you there?
I don't feel you anymore

Cages and alarms
Keeping us from harm
I will be the guard
Hope to rest upon

Could I be the one
To break a will so strong
Pray it won't be long
Til your will is gone
Everything is done
Nothing left at all

if living well is the best revenge, then i am exacting vengeance with a vengeance. if you've been wondering what i've been doing with my time lately, i can assure you with great conviction that i am doing exactly every.single.thing. i have ever loved doing all at once, thanks to my unemployment check (a.k.a. glorious alimony)

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