Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Three days strep/flu/whateverthefuck got me so good my restauranting associate took her position as my In Case of Emergency contact and literally brought a medical doctor to my couchside armed with a literal tool box. Questions, tongue depressors, antibiotics, admonitions, excellent assumptions and sweet relief. I'll take big pharma from my deathbed. That's not hypocrisy, that's laziness.

My trusty suspect of a pal knew the warning signs of impending doom when I was entirely nonplussed by offers of late-night lemondrops chasing pickle-peppered cheeseburgers. She found me on my couch, incoherent and uncomfortable, but not in my usual everyday way. I will say this:ZOOMCARE SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS. SUCKS. In the years that I have attempted to use them on my behalf or those of my children, it's a shitshow. Misdiagnoses, not open when posted, can't make an appointment, can't get a human on the line, can't get a doctor only a nurse practitioner (often fine, but not when i want the doctor who's advertised), failure to call with test results, forgotten prescription printouts or call-ins. So not worth it.

Not one to need urgent care services (unless they're foisted upon me) often, I succumbed to the achey overwhelm and spent 50% of the shutdown crawling in and out of the tub, 50% of the time wishing I had the energy to clear out a walgreens, and 50% wondering where the power went. Total grid shutdown.

The last time I was shut down for three days against my will was -- this is me pointing the microphone at the crowd so you can spare my lungs. Dave Grohl rips through my chakras when I hear this song, always right on time

This is a black out, don't let it go to waste
This is a black out, I want to detonate
Sometimes I wish that I could change
I can't save you from my poor brain

I had to shut down to get back to not shutting the fuck up. I always retreat to what I know. For you that means more words on the screen and fewer out of my mouth, which my associate will be glad to hear.

One thing I know is that I'm lucky these horoscopes showed up in linear order right before I posted a major gut-says-no-no post about my daily antics. I could hear The Hook kicking my ass and she would have been right. But I don't think I can't sit on all this juice 'til my unemployment checks run dry. It's not fair to you. But for now I will keep that comical to myself.

Time for me to power down. Because apparently I have some things to tackle tomorrow. And you kids know these bitches can't lie.

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