Tuesday, March 2, 2010

I'm only 36 years late to the rest of my life.

"Stoners. We are not a punctual people."
-- Dan, my old boss/mentor from the medical
marijuana clinic of last summer

I know I owe you a post-nuptial post-mortem (amen) in addition to a fierce rant (which is coming together quite nicely, thank you) about New Jersey's sham of a medical marijuana law; which is really nothing more than big-pharma bullshit thinly veiled by a layer of political bullshit. The Garden State, my ass.

For some reason, ever since my New Years party last week, all of the parts of my life that had stagnated in the most paralyzing of ways have simultaneously reactivated, resuscitated, reconnected and, well, I kinda feel reborn in a lot of ways. I will tell you the irony of that last statement (and how it turned into The Manny's amusing little 911 call) when I finally get to a plane in my brain when I can encompass and encapsulate everything that has transpired in the past year, right up until the very end, which will equate exactly and succinctly into a parse-able version of almost every.single.thing. I said when my wasband and half of the interwebs told me I was ranting on like a certifiable loon (via KBD and the end of BMC) last April. And maybe I was, but in hindsight -- hunker down for a cliche -- everything happened for an extraordinary reason.

I don't know what it is either yet, totally, but it smells like anchovies, tragic irony, and a thumbwrasslin match between passion and money. Almost all of my most very favorite things.
In the meantime, so fucking much has transpired over the past six days that I have to get back to my to-do lists and mine/his issues so that the rest of my life can get on with itself.

I think it's a good thing that my melon and my immediate future's schedule are so full that I don't have time for any brainfoolery to lend to negative pursuits at the moment. The life that left me is absolutely behind me in my mind, but my heart has a few tears left to purge. Just not now.

Everything is happening all in a rush and I finally feel free to believe in *everything* again. Everything I ever have done has found its way back to me in the past week. Old associates writing to thank me for having this or that positive impact on their lives. Faithful readers feeling that it's safe enough to peek out from behind the curtain and finally offer a caged mama elephant their hand -- for there is no fear it will be bitten off.

The children are older and smarter somehow. I don't even aytch-ay-tee-ee The Manny anymore; and while I do harbor distinct and direct empathy for him, I feel nothing else. At all. Ultimate liberation. Solid closure.

I have reached my self-allotted time for this brief dear diary, but I can never best what my little crib notes to the stars have to say about me. I could not have said it better if I had invented the stars myself.

wishing on a february star,


mama without instructions said...

yay. glad to hear you have some momentum! my own life has just become more logistically complicated so i likely won't have time to harass you as planned. : ) take care, a

Anonymous said...

There you go teasing us again. Ok, I'll stay tuned patiently for the promised post mortem and rant and I can't wait to hear about the 911 call. I'm laughing just imagining. You could always email me at fannneee@aol.com I've emailed you at the katie email several times but I don't know if you use that one anymore, do you have one you use regularly. Oh guess what I just got my seeds yesterday from AMSTERDAM. I've never grown and I'm going to grow outside. Gonna plant today. Take care. I just love it when you are obviously feeling better emotionally. Susan

Patricia in TO said...

Glad to hear that life is settling (and unsettling in good ways only this time!)
Happy New Year!
I think this the Year of the Dana!!

My word verification is "nesest" does this mean it is time to really create a safe nest for you and the kiddos?


P.S. any improvement on the child custody arrangements so that you are not saddled with covering for the Manny without quid pro quo?

Anonymous said...

hey there, any chance you would give us an update on the person we're not ever to mention again (RW/GGC)?